Quotes By Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

What a nice night for an evening.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.