Quotes By Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.