Quotes By Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.