Quotes By Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

So, do you live around here often?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.