Quotes By Demetri Martin

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

To me, comedy is a game.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I love Steven Wright.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'