Quotes By Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.