Quotes By Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

To me, comedy is a game.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I love Steven Wright.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'