Quotes By Demetri Martin

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.