Quotes By Demetri Martin

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.