Jokes Quotes

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a bit frightening to think that all I'm doing is jokes and yet someone hates me that much.

I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they don't.

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage American films. You don't get that now. Teenage American movies are all about sick jokes, puking a lot, arse jokes.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.

I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake.

Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

I'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.

The whole experience of doing a sitcom is... Telling jokes with such precision is really exciting, but it's also terrifying.

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.

I suppose the common idea of me is that I'm going to be someone who's hyper and cracking jokes all the time, but people who meet me are soon disabused of that notion.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.