Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.