Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.