Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.