Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.