Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.