Quotes By Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I am two with nature.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.