Quotes By Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.