Quotes By Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.