Quotes By Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.