Quotes By Wilson Mizner

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

Failure has gone to his head.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

You sparkle with larceny.