Quotes By W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I like children - fried.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I drink therefore I am.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.