Quotes By Scott Adams

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

I would sometimes sit in a crowded restaurant, and say, 'You know, I'm the only person in this restaurant who can't draw.'

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

My investments have been hurt.

I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.

You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.

The best things in life are silly.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

I love magazines. It's such McNugget kind of information.