Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.