Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.