Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.