Quotes By Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!