Quotes By Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.