Quotes By Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?