Quotes By Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.