Quotes By Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.