Quotes By Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Never floss with a stranger.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I am furious about everything.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I just love acting.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.