Quotes By Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.