Quotes By Joan Rivers

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I was not an attractive child.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.