Quotes By Joan Rivers

I am furious about everything.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I just love acting.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I was not an attractive child.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.