Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!