Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I like definitive things.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.