Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I like definitive things.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Stand-up is hard.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love being a dad. I just love it.