Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

You can be passionate about anything.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Men want to make women happy.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.