Quotes By Fran Lebowitz

Nothing succeeds like address.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.