Quotes By Fran Lebowitz

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Nothing succeeds like address.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.