Quotes By Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.