Quotes By Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Children make your life important.