Quotes By Erma Bombeck

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.