Quotes By Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

God created man, but I could do better.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Children make your life important.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.