Quotes By David Sedaris

But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.

I don't think my life is more interesting than anybody else's.

I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you?

I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

I sometimes read books on my iPad.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.

I don't have email.

People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country.

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.

I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.

But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.

If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere.

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her.

I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.