Quotes By David Sedaris

People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.

I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.

But most good movies have a gun in them.

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.

I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.

As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.

I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

I don't like being left to my own thoughts.

I think it's important to take chances.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.

The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.

I love 'Glee.'

Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.

Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.

I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.

There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.