Quotes By Chris Rock

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

A man is only as faithful as his options.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Hollywood's just not funny.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.