Quotes By Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.