Quotes By Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.