Quotes By P. J. O..Rourke

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement.

All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.

We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.

I write because I like to make things and the only things I am good at making things with are words.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent!

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking.

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.

My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family.

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Soldiers are not policemen, and it's very unfair, even for those soldiers who have some police training, to burden them with police duties. It's not what they're trained for, or equipped for.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth.

Satire doesn't effect change.

Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them.