Quotes By Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.