Quotes By Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.