Quotes By Fred Allen

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.