Quotes By Dennis Miller

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I rant, therefore I am.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.