Quotes By Colin Quinn

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

I always wanted to write as much as perform.

Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.

I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I like guy stuff.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

My name has zero value.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

I was a class clown.