Quotes By Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.