Quotes By George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.