Quotes By Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.