Quotes By Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.