Quotes By Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.