Quotes By Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?