Quotes By Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.